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Writer's pictureCecilia

Book Review - Dharma Parenting by Robert Keith Wallace and Frederick Travis



In the book Dharma Parenting two famous neuroscientists and brain researchers explain how you combine modern brain science with Ayurveda and ancient wisdom to raise physically and emotionally happy and balanced children and improve the parent - child relationship.


Dharma is a Sanskrit word meaning “to uphold” or “support”. Our "dharma" is to discover a path in life that supports our personal growth, happiness and success based on your own individual and unique characteristics. The tools of Dharma parenting ‘allow us to recognise and nurture our children unique path in life’ and “help us understand each of the stages of brain development, from birth to adulthood, so our parenting takes into account our children’s developmental level- not demanding things they cannot yet accomplish, but always gently encouraging them to use more of their potential.”


Using the acronym ‘DHARMA”, Dharma Parenting offers 6 parenting tools:


Discover your child's, and your own brain/body type :

In Ayurveda it is believed that each person has a certain pattern of energy, their own constitution, which is a combination of influences from elements or ‘doshas” whereof one is the more dominant ( Vata, Pitta or Kapha ). By identifying and understanding your child’s Ayurvedic nature you can better deal with their unique needs and characteristics. And by identifying your own constitution you can also improve the parent - child relationship.


Heal yourself :

According to the authors it is crucial to ensure that you as a parent is not stressed or worn out in order to be a good parent. Making sure we as parents take good care of our own physical and mental wellbeing also improves the way we respond to our children and their challenges and hence simnifically improves our relationship. This includes the suggestion to practice Transcendental Meditation which is a great way to deal with stress and have more energy. As parents, this will help you put the oxygen mask on yourself first to then be able to be there for your children the way that they deserve.


Attention and appreciation :

According to the authors, parental attention during the childhood years is critical for your child to develop self esteem,. By paying attention, providing validation and appreciation a child can truly thrive.


Routines to improve family dynamics :

Routines provide children with a sense of security. The authors also recommend regular family meetings to discuss any issues in a calm and supportive setting.


Manage meltdowns and cultivate better behaviour :

By using the 6 ‘C’s the authors recommend supporting a child through tantrums by:

  1. Checking in with yourself and your child

  2. Comfort your child. As the thinking center of the brain is overwhelmed with strong emotions, love and support is needed to calm down and feel safe.

  3. Change the brain state. In order to solve a problem the brain needs to get out of the chaos that these strong emotions cause. When the primitive part of the brain has taken control, reason is not available. The child needs help to switch from being dominated by irrational emotions to be able to use his rational brain.

  4. Choices. Once the child is calm, parents can offer choices and suggestions for how to solve a problem. By doing so the child can find ways to better deal with a similar situation in the future.

  5. Consequences. If the child’s behaviour for example resulted in some sort of damage, parents can discuss together with the child how they repair or fix it.

  6. Coach. As parents we are the child’s life coach. We should coach and model the behaviour we want to see in our children and provide them with tools they need to prevent them from ending up in trouble in the first place. Show children how you would deal with certain situations and when they make mistakes, talk about how to avoid it the next time.

Anticipate and adapt :

Prevention is better than cure. The authors describe how it is better to have a proactive approach in parenting to avoid tantrums, disappointments and upsets. Parents should try to plan ahead for the family to avoid problems that can occur. And use their judgement to adapt situations when needed.


Dharma parenting looks different at different stages of a child’s development.

In the book the authors talked us through how we need to have adjust our expectations and parenting after the child’s age and brain development stages. This is something I find exceptionally important as having the wrong expectations, or expectations that are not age appropriate is a mistake many parents make. And as with everything in life : where expectations do not match reality, there will be imbalances and disappointment, friction and unnecessary problems.



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