There is one aspect of parenting that sometimes disturbs me a bit and that is the absolute power we as adults have over those vulnerable little humans called children. The great advantage we have over them in every single way… our size, our power, our fully developed brains and intellect. It is a power that comes with great responsibility as it can- and often is - easily abused. In order to try and be the best possible parent we can, we are constantly on our guard to correct and adjust our children's behaviour and on high alert to not let bad habits slip as we anxiously worry that it may reflect badly on us as parents.
This fear of being seen as a ‘bad parent’ or the fear to “spoil“ a child to “get away” with things sometimes allows very little room for children to make mistakes without 'consequences" let alone just having a bad day. They are expected to be at their best behaviour at all times and the expectations are often unrealistically high, especially as a child is not yet equipped with a fully mature brain or the ability to master language, emotions and impulses.
I have often witnessed parents in the supermarket sternly demanding “pleases” and “thank you’s “ from their children at the same time as they, themselves, treat their children with utter disrespect. Why is it that adults are allowed to throw tantrums and loose their cool and only blame it on a bad day at work ? When children cannot ?
How come a baby is supposed to sleep alone from a very young age when you yourself are scared of the dark ?
How come a child has to give up all his toys as "sharing is caring“ when you do not like people taking your things ?
How come you are allowed to refuse that raw fish looking a little too exotic for your liking at the buffet - when your child must always finish his plate ?
How come a 4 year old is supposed to endure ‘criss cross applesauce” for sometimes not so age appropriate periods of time at nursery and preschool when you yourself start to stir after a long meeting?
How can parents expect children to want to spend time with them when they overhear complaints about "how tough it's been to have the children at home for two weeks over the holidays and can't wait for school to start" ?
How come a child can be interrupted and must finish what they do straight away - whilst they may never interrupt and always have to wait for the adult?
How come a child’s desperate cry at the first day of nursery is said to be "not a big deal but actually way harder for the parents”!
There are endless examples of unfair expectations, power abuse and hypocrite parenting and we have all probably been guilty at some point.
Children behaviours are also often labeled as being ‘manipulative” and it seems that it is many parents worst fear to be subjected to a child's so called 'manipulation". But in all honesty : who are the biggest manipulators in the parent - child relationship? I would say without a doubt : the parent. They use fear and bribes and punishments, withdrawal of privileges, reward charts, time outs and conditional love- all the time.
I think it is time we reflect a little over our own behaviour.
How can a child learn how to be polite if they are not themselves being treated with respect?
How can a child become kind and empathetic if they are not shown empathy and kindness from the world around them, given some grace and benefit of doubt ? Parents for sure must have frameworks and healthy bounderies, rules and expectations. But how to communicate and pass on our own values and ethics is what matters. Do we live as we preach ? Are we ourselves practising and mirroring what we teach ? Children “do what they see us do - not what they are told”. They perfectly mimic our behaviour and it is important to be conscious of that. Am I kind ? Am I listening? Am I polite ? Do I show that I believe in their willingness to be and do good ? Do I apologise ? It may be a good idea to bring out the mirror and take a good look at ourselves and see what we project and be aware of what our children see each day. Because children are incredibly good at seeing through all the hypocrisy and it only creates resentment and feelings of being treated unfairly. The motto “ We treat others how we want to be treated” should be applied to all people - also, if not especially the most vulnerable and innocent : the children.
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