I am blessed to be surrounded by some pretty amazing people in my life and one of them is Sandra McNamara. We met ( as you sometimes do in Dubai ) in a play area. As it turned out we were both Swedish we started talking, discussing expat life and sharing our life experiences whilst the children explored slides and climbing frames. I was immediately fascinated by this very energetic and bubbly and beautiful woman who turned out to have had a pretty exciting and intriguing past.
Sandra was adopted to Sweden at an early age from South America and grew up in the more fashionable parts of Stockholm. Being born somewhat a rebel who wanted to go her own way she ended up studying social studies with the aim to seek some contrast to her privileged life and help those in need. When starting off her career, Sandra got the opportunity to go back and work in the orphanage where she spent time as a child. The very same women that took care of her as a baby also greeted her when she returned 25 years later. On her journey to South America she made connections with NGO’s fighting human trafficking and working with street children, something Sandra feels very passionate about, which resulted in her eventually travelling all over the world to fight for people in underprivileged societies.
Above: Sandra at her orphanage in Bogota, Colombia.
She eventually met her British husband in London ( who now works as a consultant orthopedic surgeon in Dubai ) and they have 3 beautiful children. Her husbands career brought the family to various places around the world ( Latin America, Asia, Middle East and Europe ) and life as a nomadic mother of young children made it difficult to continue the work with human rights. Her passion for people still remained and she did a course as a Life Coach and Emotional Intelligence Coach.
During our many coffees and play dates we discussed life and people, parenting and emotions and I really want to share some of Sandra’s wisdom and insights here.
I want to share how EQ has helped her deal with her past and how it has proved to be a crucial skill when working with human rights as well as being a better parent.
First of all how long have you lived in the UAE and what do you love about this region?
Sandra: I have lived in UAE for 4 years and in Saudi Arabia for 3 years. This part of my life has given me a great opportunity to gain greater knowledge, not only about people from this region, but people from literately every corner of the world. I have learnt so much about languages, cultures and religions in a way I could never have dreamt of! It has given me another life perspective. I feel extremely humble towards everything I have been exposed to during my time here. One of my most important lessons from all my travels, is that I realised that the way I think, behave and believe, is very much correlated to my background and upbringing. To believe that we are not affected by our past and upbringing when we look at the world is an illusion. Of course we are all coloured by all our values and beliefs that we have learnt along the way… I think that is important to be conscious about. So that we can be more openminded and meet people from other countries and cultures with less judgement. Whether I think I am right and you are wrong, is actually of very little importance. What matters is that we meet each other on a higher level and try to connect and understand each other.
Above : Sandra in Santa Martha
For those who only have a vague idea about EQ can you explain what Emotional Intelligence means and what it is all about?
Sandra: In one sentence, I would say: it is about being smart with our feelings . Be able to act in a smart way, rather than reacting. To be in tune with our feelings and be able to live after our values. The more EQ wise I became the more I felt I was in control of every part of my life. This gave me a strong sense of freedom, self confidence and lightness. I am not depending on other people’s acknowledgement and validations of how I choose to live my life. I am not sensitive anymore to other people’s negative feelings. I started to walk away from a life I didn’t approve of and started to get more loyal towards my own feelings and values. I now wisely choose to be around people that I feel are contributing positively to my life, and avoid those who don't.
I know you are so passionate about EQ. How did you get into this ? What inspired you to start working with it ?
Sandra: I picked up the book, Emotional Intelligence, written by Daniel Goleman, in my aunt’s bookshelf when I was 14 years old. It was my first encounter with EQ. It turned out being one of the most important books in my life so far. Ever since, I have been carrying the book with me wherever I have been in the world. I went through a tough time during my first long trip to Colombia, where I was born, and I was an emotional wreck. My days were driven purely by my feelings and my heavy thoughts. I was in a prison, in an emotional cage and I felt like a ticking bomb. When I came out of that emotional cage I was light as a feather and able to manage my emotions. I entered another part of myself where I felt so free, which I didn’t know existed. I am finding it extremely fascinating what impact and what control (or lack of control) our life’s directions can take, because of lack of EQ. Most people are struggling to keep healthy relationships, both with others as well as with themselves. We are investing lot in our kid’s education, but many times it is the EQ knowledge that is forgotten and a top student will struggle to get a job, due to their lack of EQ.
Throughout my various human rights project and travels I quickly realised how similar we all are as human beings and regardless of race or background, age and gender we all have so much in common. We all have very similar basic needs, and dreams for ourselves and for the ones we love. I started to understand that focusing on our similarities rather than differences and looking for common grounds helped to connect and communicate more successfully. Travelling and working with a huge eclectic group of people within various industries and socio economic backgrounds have given me the insight that EQ always plays a huge role in a person’s success. Of course a good education is important, but a high IQ or good degrees has been less linked to a professional or private life’s success. EQ on the other hand has repeatedly been correlated to a persons professional and private success. Higher EQ gives the individual a sense of owner-ship over his/her life and confidence. So when I came to Dubai I luckily met a passionate woman who was running EQ workshops in Dubai. She invited me to do it together with her and I am hooked ever since.
How much interest is there in EQ in UAE or in the Middle East?
Sandra: More and more schools and nurseries getting interested in learning about EQ . In Dubai, where I am based, we are a melting pot of cultures, religions and nationalities and to have EQ knowledge is a must to be successful. Having said this, I would wish that more schools would be open to teach their staff, teachers and students EQ as part of their curriculum. Well known school such as Harvard, Yale and Oxford have been teaching EQ for decades. They saw the correlations between being EQ smart and IQ as a wining concept. To be top of your class in science, but not be able to ‘sell yourself ‘ in a confident way or be able to develop relationships, demonstrated a lower success in life. If you ask for my opinion, I would say that people that struggle in school, but have a high EQ will be far more successful than the other way around. It has been proven over and over again by hundreds of researches on various groups in the society all over the world. The great thing with EQ is, that everyone can learn and improve this skill. The earlier the easier it is to break poor habits.
I know that you are really keen to work with parents and their children. You say that we as parents really need to work on ourselves first in order to be good parents. Which makes so much sense as we all carry a lot of baggage and learnt behaviours from our own upbringing into our relationships with our children. So is that most of the time where you start?
Sandra: First of all, we need to start with ourselves. When parents come to me with a specific problem and need support on how to handle their child's problems we have to ask ourselves where the root of this problem is coming from. Often it is not the child that is the problem, it is our parenting that is the problem. Or something in the child's surroundings. Once we have this insight we will then have a whole other approach to the problem. We really have to understand the nature of the issue and doing so we need to be EQ smart or seek help from someone that is. When we were kids, we saw it as it was, we said it as we saw it. As we grow older we become more like an onion. We build up tons of layers and deep underneath, in the middle, we can find ‘YOU’. We have during our life journey become more incapsulated and lost. We all have emotions, but with time they get harder to identify and express due to others expectations, life experiences, culture etc.
As I am sure of you heard many times; children do what we do, not what we say. To be smart with our feelings and our parenting it is crucial to be successful both with our careers and our private lives. If we don’t understand our own feelings, how are we supposed to support and guide our children through emotionally difficult times? Maybe you heard people saying that you have to learn how to love yourself first before you can love someone else. It is exactly the same with EQ. It comes from doing and demonstrating the tools in everyday life. When the children see that we are having a healthy relationship with ourselves and with others, this will become the normality for them. They will be able to make the distinction between a healthy relationship and a non-healthy relationship.
When we are running our workshops, the role play of parents pretending to be a child is the most powerful tool we use. Often strong feeling arise. To pretend to be your 6 year old self and have another adult telling you off whilst standing on a chair towering over you ( to give that sense of how small and powerless you feel being a child ) can even bring people to tears. It stirs up many feelings we very often have forgotten. To see things from the child's perspective can sometimes be painful (especially when we felt we were neglected ours feelings as a child ) but also so important and insightful.
Above: Sandra and her beautiful family
There is so much pressure these days on children to ‘achieve” and find "success”. But how do we define ‘success” ?
Sandra: Our children's success is their own and not ours. We mustn’t forget that our children are their own little people and not our trophies. We should give our children the EQ tools for the future, support and listen to them. We shouldn’t live through them, rather next to them and by their side. Being successful is a highly subjective individual goal. I feel very successful. I live by my values, I try to never cheat on myself or anyone else. I am trying to live my life in a way I know I will be proud of at the end of the day. I am not walking in other peoples’ footsteps or other peoples’ expectations. However I don’t know if everyone would view me as successful. I have made choices in my life that might not have ticked other peoples definition of ' success'. I chose to stay home for a long time with my children and postponed my working career. I have chosen to live in countries other people ( unfortunately ) wouldn’t visit and judge due to political issues. It may require some courage as sometimes the road you want to walk can be lonely but I strongly believe that your own authentic road is the only road which can lead you to a truly successful and genuinely happy life.
How has EQ helped yourself in your life, career and your relationships?
Sandra: Without EQ I wouldn’t have stood a chance to become successful to work within the field of human rights. When we work on the field we often end up in dangerous situations and get extremely challenged in so many ways. Without being smart with my feelings or without knowing myself I would never have accomplish what I wanted. Very often a decision can be done based on feelings and emotions, but sometimes we need to separate our feelings from the situation by being EQ smart. In my private life EQ is equally important.
I have to admit that I do fail sometimes as I am only human, but when I do at least nothing is a surprise to me anymore. I know my feelings and I know why some feelings are coming up, and why they in other situations, don’t. I am conscious and aware of my emotions. How I then deal with it, that is when I sometimes fail. It is a daily practice. In all honesty I would say that most of the time I am failing with my kids. Because parenting, as we all know, can be so complex and challenging. My children know that they can tell me when I am failing. I am not perfect just because I am a mother or an adult. I believe in dialogue, so when I fail I am aware of it and I apologise. Where I grew up, talking about feelings or expressing an emotion was not really approved of and more seen as an act of unnecessary drama. Growing up as a child in Sweden I sometimes felt very different and emotionally trapped. My latin temperament seemed to clash with a very restricted emotional, Scandinavian environment. According to my surrounding I was the one always causing ‘drama’. When I came to Barcelona as a 20 year old, I could see people having private arguments in public. I felt so alive and more at home. It was a " WOW” experience, that showing feelings was not something shameful that was hidden in the deepest private closet.
What are the 5 best advise you would give to a parent who wants a better relationship with their children ? Where do they start ?
Sandra: We mustn't forget that the day we decided to have children it was because we wanted to enjoy parenthood, so enjoy it! I often hear ( mainly woman ) saying they feel ‘guilty’. ‘I am not a good parent’, ‘she is a great mother’ or ‘ I am not working, I am only home with my kids'. What is this coming from? Since when was being home with your children less important than working? Or for the working mothers out there: why feel guilty ? All this guilt doesn’t serve anyone. Work with your EQ tools and parenthood will be more enjoyable and flowing more smoothly. Especially mothers who are trying to collect points by doing it “ALL” to prove themselves… at what cost ? Life is about enjoying your journey on earth - not to ‘ prove’ yourself the whole time and live up to impossible perceived expectations by your surroundings. So my 5 tips would be to stop being so hard on yourself as a parent , stop judging others and yourself, have a flowing dialogue between you and your child, keep learning about EQ ( for yourself and your child ) and remember that there is no such a thing as ‘a perfect mother or father’ - as long as we do our best, we are doing great!
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