Jessica Joelle Alexander is a bestselling author, Danish parenting expert, columnist, speaker, and cultural researcher. Her work has been featured in the NY Times, Vanity Fair, NPR, Huffington Post, Mothermag and the Greater Good Science Center Berkley.
Her book :"The Danish Way of Parenting: what the happiest people in the world know about raising confident, capable kids " has come out in over 28 countries in 15 languages. She also writes for The Huffington Post, The Copenhagen Post & The Local Denmark.
Before I had children I was naively totally unaware of the fact that there were so many different ways to parent a child. However, becoming a mother living in a different country surrounded by so many different cultures and nationalities, I quickly realised that there were equally many opinions and beliefs when it came to parenting as there were parents.
I felt overwhelmed by well-meaning advise from friends and acquaintances on what ‘methods” I needed to apply to raise my child in an optimal way. All contradicting each other and only causing chaos and confusion in my hormonal mummy brain.
It all came to an end when my husband, filled with good intentions, brought home an impulse purchase from a baby shop in London - yet another book on how to raise a child. He had no idea who the author was, merely wanted to show loving support for his wife. The book was the final straw. It went against every single maternal instinct in my body and it quickly landed in the bin.
I didn’t see parenting any different than any other relationships in my life. More like an organic journey that kept evolving. Not something that came with strict manuals and set rules. When did parenting become so complicated ? I decided to follow my heart and listen to my instincts and my gut feel. I needed to make a conscious decision to dare to walk my way. And at the end of the day - I realised that I was of course not alone. I was simply doing what most Swedish mothers do back home and what I was used to from my own culture. It made me realise that Scandinavians do have a slightly different approach to parenting. Perhaps us Scandinavians are just more into being more natural and like to keep things less complicated when it comes to most things in life. Maybe the simplicity that you see in IKEA and Scandinavian design also applies to the way we parent ?
In this blog post I will meet with American born Jessica Joelle Alexander who came to know more about Scandinavian parenting, and Danish parenting in particular, through marrying her Danish husband. She got so fascinated that she decide to write a book about it. Denmark has been voted as one of the happiest countries in the world for over 40 years in a row. Countless articles and studies have been devoted to discovering the reasons why but the results were always unclear. In the book ‘ The Danish Way“ Jessica teamed up with Danish psychotherapist Dissing Sandahl to uncover what they believe is the real secret to the Danes happiness. And according to them the answer lies in their upbringing. Danish parents raise happy children who grow up to be happy adults who raise happy children and the cycle repeats itself. The Danish Way of Parenting takes a fascinating look at some of the differences between American and Danish parenting styles and explains why the Danish Way has been so effective in creating happier, more resilient people for so many years.
What is your background and how did you get so interested in and passionate about parenting ?
Jessica : I have always been interested in cultural differences. I have lived in a lot of different places and having studied psychology I loved studying different cultural practices and particularly how different they were in terms of beliefs and behaviours. When I became a parent I really saw how different cultures could be and realised that everyone believes their way is the “right” way when it comes to parenting. I found this fascinating because it really began to make me question my own beliefs and my own culture and seeing as parenting is one of the most important jobs in the world (not to mention the hardest) it became my life’s work to uncover what I believed to be one of the healthiest parenting “ways” in the world.
In your book you talk about 6 main principals to raise happy kids.
To sum them up you use the acronym P A R E N T :
Play
Authenticity
Reframing
Empathy
No ultimatums
Togetherness
How did you find this out and how much time did you spend on research to come to the conclusion that these principals were the foundation for happy Danish childhoods and consequently a happy Danish society ?
Jessica : I studied the Danish culture for over 13 years. My husband is Danish and my kids are being raised “tri-culturally” but mainly with the Danish philosophy. I believe that one of the reasons the Danes are constantly voted as the happiest country in the world is because they have such a healthy approach to raising kids. I formulated PARENT as the acronym because I knew it would be easier to remember and it encompassed all the tenets that make this parenting style so special and unique.
Are the Danes consciously aware that they are using those principals that you have identified or is it just values that culturally has been passed on and comes instinctively and naturally to them without really being aware ?
Jessica : No! The funniest thing is that although this book is published in over 27 countries it isn’t published in Denmark. They don’t see why what they do is so special in parenting because it so engrained in their cultural heritage. As a cultural researcher myself, I find that it is often the most obvious thing in one culture that is the most special gem to discover for another. Writing this was literally like sharing buried treasure I had discovered in my own backyard.
So if we go through the 6 principles: we all know that play is important. Is there a certain type of play that you see as extra important for a child’s wellbeing ?
Jessica : One of the main things that Danish parents do is let their children play freely. Instead of parent-directed activities, let them enjoy playtime on their own. Try to get them outside into nature and explore with a group of kids of different ages. Child-led play builds self-esteem, plus they learn so much from other kids too.
Authenticity : Please explain how you see authenticity in our parenting as a pillar for happiness.
Jessica : As adults, it can be easy to sugarcoat things for our kids. Being honest with children is about telling them what you really think — good or bad. For example, if your kid presents you with a painting, instead of overpraising by saying “You’re such an amazing artist,” promote further discussion by asking why they chose those particular colors.
Reframing : what is reframing and why is that important to a child’s happiness ?
Jessica: Reframing is an invaluable skill to teach your children. When your child has a complaint, discuss the issue with them. It’s not about seeing life through rose-colored glasses. It’s about listening for the positive details in your child’s stories and helping them focus on those details. If your child whines that they hate school, bring up the art class that they loved. Or if they think they’re awful at soccer, talk about a week that they felt they played well. Help your child focus on what they can do, rather than what they can’t.
Empathy : empathy is of course a key ingredient in any relationship. Do you you feel that the Danes are more empathetic than other nationalities ? How is that expressed in the way they parent?
Jessica : We all want to raise children who show compassion for themselves and for others. In Danish parenting, this is all about teaching kids to respect and try to really understand people. A good way of practicing empathy is to talk about facial expressions. Show them different images of someone who is sad, angry, happy, nervous and shy, and ask your child why they think the person is feeling that way.
No ultimatums - This is probably a very common ‘tool’ that many parents use to control a child’s behaviour Why are ultimatums bad and what can we do instead ? How can we change that approach ? What do the Danes do instead ?
Jessica : While no ultimatums might seem like parenting without setting boundaries, this type of parenting is more about setting clear rules for children in a respectful way. Instead of an authoritarian parenting style (“You better do that right now!”) the Danish approach sidesteps power struggles and works toward maintaining respect. Danish parents explain the rules and give their children a lot of trust. If you, as the parent, feel like you’re losing control of a situation, give yourself a time out. If you are calm, they will be calm. You must guide your child through tantrums without having a tantrum yourself. If your little one is throwing a fit, saying: “I can see that you’re very upset. When you feel calm, it’s much easier to talk. Come to Mommy when you’re ready,” allows them to fully exercise their emotions, but lets them cool down and engage with you when they’ve calmed down.
Togetherness : Danes regularly practice “hygge,” a time of coziness with friends and family. It’s a daily part of life in Denmark. For parents, this involves time together with their children that encourages the whole family working together, like a scavenger hunt or organizing a tournament. It can also be something as simple as playing a game together.
What do you see is the biggest difference between these principals and how you parent in America ?
Jessica: America is far more competitive whereas Danes are much more cooperative. They focus a lot more on empathy and how to take care of each other and winning as a team whereas America is much more individualist and focusses on winning alone. There is also a big focus on seeing children as competent and treating them with respect. The motto is “teach respect, be respectful and you will be respected.”
Being Swedish myself and married to a British husband we have brought two different cultural backgrounds to the table when we are raising our children. Luckily there has not been any friction for us as my husband happily adopted the Scandinavian way of parenting . Was there ever an initial culture clash in your relationship or did you immediately adopt the “Danish way “?
Jessica : Yes, especially with the discipline part. I was spanked as a child and thought this was completely normal. Believe it or not, many people feel this way. It is still really prevalent in many parts of the world. It took me a lot of talks and experience seeing Danish children to learn that it has been illegal for over 20 years in Denmark and is illegal in so many other countries. I was much more concentrated on discipline whereas he was concentrated on managing problems before they arose. This is tied to reframing, seeing children always as fundamentally good, using empathy and the no ultimatums approach we talk about in the book. I can honestly say, so much of this philosophy made me a better person and a better parent.
What do you think are the biggest mistakes or misconceptions about parenting in mainstream parenting ? What do we get wrong in modern society ?
Jessica: I tried not to focus on mistakes but I think we could help each other more as parents in understanding and empathy rather than trying to be the perfect parent. This makes everyone a little neurotic because of course there is no such thing and this drive creates disconnection and competition rather than vulnerability and connection which is what parents need the most. I also wish we could focus more on who our children are rather than who we want them to be (or who we feel pressured from society to want them to be). Allow them to play more, allow them to flourish and free ourselves from living up to someone else’s expectations or being sucked into competition. The more present we are and the more we see our children for who they are, the happier they will grow up to be.
As no country is entirely perfect - is there anything that could be better in the Danish way of parenting ? Do you see any problems at all ?
Jessica: Well I actually don’t live in Denmark. I have never wanted to import Denmark to other countries because, like all countries, Denmark has their own issues to contend with. I merely think that the way they raise children is brilliant. It’s like Italians do pizza and food well-every country has something they excel at and we tend to pick up in other places. I think the book has done so well precisely because it is for people outside of Denmark. We can enjoy these cultural gems anywhere in the world.
Although many countries in the world are abolishing corporal punishments, I recently read that over 50 % of all children still get spanked in the US and that corporal punishments are still allowed in schools in 19 states. That to me is pretty chocking in the 21st century. How can we change parents / adults mindsets that children don't need to suffer and get punished, and so brutally treated in order to ‘behave’ ? The biblical expression that “ you spoil the child if you spare the rod” still seems to dominate some peoples believes. Can you see this changing in the US ?
Jessica : It is still very prevalent. And not just in the US, but in many countries. For Danes, this is unthinkable but if you grow up being spanked and no one tells you something else, you don’t know any different. I do think it is changing and it will change more and more, but its going to take quite a few generations I’ m afraid. I hope that books like The Danish Way of Parenting will help convince parents across the globe that it isn’t necessary to “discipline” a child, and in fact, there is a much more peaceful way to raise happier children and become a happier parent for it.
How do you as a busy working mum ensure you get work life balance and enough ‘hygge ‘ with your kids and family ?
Jessica : I have to be aware of making it happen. I think this is key. I just wrote another book about this actually. Mindset is everything. Sometimes we are all super busy and stressed and it’s hard to make “hygge” space but I know how important it is for our family. I believe it is crucial for wellbeing. So, either I meditate in my car for 10 minutes before coming in the house so that I can be fully present for a period of time (its quality not quantity) or I choose an everyday activity we can do together-like cooking or baking- or we make the mornings our “hygge “time. I generally try to get up earlier and get ready so that when I wake the kids up we don’t have to rush around. I light candles at the breakfast table and try to make the mornings a real “hygge" moment for the family. But it takes effort because I have to get up earlier in order to be really present for them. But its totally worth it!
I believe you have spent a lot of time in Italy with your family too. I absolutely love Italy and their way of life and I would love to ask if there is anything positive you have you learnt from the Italian way of parenting too ?
Jessica : There are many positive things and I am happy to see Italy has totally embraced the Danish way of parenting and education too. It’s quite a big thing here! Italians are extremely loving and passionate. Food is life for them and there is a real natural sense of living in the moment which I think is beautiful. Of course, like all countries, it has its down sides, but I think the beauty and the love of meals and family is really special here. Perhaps like fusion cooking-if we combine some of the best of different cultures we could make a fantastic global community. Wouldn't that be amazing?
I know that you are now in the process of producing material for schools to teach empathy. Can you tell us a little more about this project ?
Jessica : I have worked with different Ministries of Educations in Europe to teach empathy in schools. I also do a lot of online training and conferences. I have created several programs based on what the Danes do in the classroom (that they take for granted as normal) and share it abroad. I also wrote a book called the Danish Way of Education which explores teaching empathy in the classroom.
We all grow and evolve as mothers and I would love to ask you what 3 best advice todays Jessica would have given to Jessica the first time mother…
Jessica : Nr 1 : question yourself… do a deep dive into your own parents, your culture and who you want to be as a parent and person. I think you can only make real change when you first understand your own beliefs and where they came from. Try to make peace with your past.
Nr 2: Talk to your partner and get aligned as much as possible on the big lines of parenting: discipline, eating, education, language, empathy, respect. The more you are aligned on the big lines of parenting the easier it will be and the more enjoyable the whole experience will become. Your child will also be much happier. There are a lot of tips for this in the book
Nr 3 : choose 1 or 2 or 3 things you want to change from how you were raised. We aren’t super human. We can’t become someone completely different but we can focus on one or two things. I knew I didn’t want to spank or yell and I didn't want to transfer any eating issues onto my kids. Those were my big two things when they were little and I think I have been successful. As I get older I add more things to the list. But to start out with, I think it’s really important to choose one or two things. I hope from the book parents will be inspired and I firmly believe implementing even a couple of tenets from the book will make you a happier parent.
You can find out more about Jessica on her website www.jessicajoellealexander.com where you can also buy her book 'The Danish way of parenting "
Follow Jessica on Facebook : @jessicajoellealexander
Instagram: jessicajoellealexander
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